Tell me, is everything worth it in the end? Am I adult-ing the right way? Why am the only one carrying all these responsibilities? I'm only 24 and I feel like I'm becoming more miserable than before. I've come to HATE myself even more. I don't understand why my life seems more complicated than other people. The one thing I hate the most is comparing myself with other people's lives. Sometimes in my mind, I wished my life was a mirage. I HATE everything about myself. Why? I am a failure in life, I am too immature, I'm stupid, fat, and ugly. I don't understand why I was put in this planet to deal with such never-ending problem. I have dealt with it since I first started college. I hate to burden the people around me because it's the problem I have to carry alone.
I think society is cruel. Society is pressuring me to graduate and have a successful career. Society wants to me to get married because my age is getting old. Society wants me to stop being fat and ugly. Too bad I can't fulfill what society wants me to do. Happiness is still far away for me because I have to take care of everything. I can't be selfish because everyone's life is more important than mine. Mine is just worthless. I hope to find happiness in the next life because I don't think I will ever find any this lifetime.
I have no one to depend on I'm all alone taking care of my family's situation. I absolutely hate dealing with complicated government paperwork crap. Who knew that these type of things will drain you brain? Also, my family is not in good financial standing because my dad is the only one working and my mom's disability is paying less. It's really frustrating! I'm the only one working my part-time job in order to provide for my younger sister and I's living expenses. My siblings are jobless so it's understandable for them to just focus on school. In my case, there's no time to waste but to keep working hard. I hate my job so much but I have to bear with it for the money. I am tired of everything. It's exhausting and I would not recommend it to everyone. Every night I come back home from work and question myself. "Will I work at this shitty job for the rest of my life? or Will I work hard to finish school and get the fuck out of this place?"
The inner voices in my head that tells me to give up because I am a failure. It's so hard to fight it because it's so overwhelming. I cry out of frustration every night because I felt like there's nothing I can do at this point. I fucked up a lot.
My dumbass got dismissed for the fourth time and I'm too afraid to check the result in the next two days. Why do I always doubt myself? I hate having my hopes up, so I have to always prepare for the worst. I absolutely hate this feeling. Sometimes I just want to disappear or just be alone and block everything out of this world. After all this shitty life, I wonder if my dreams will ever come true?
