Hey what's up? Kay-Bee here!
Long time no blog!
I just wanted to give you an update of my current life. I feel like it has been
a roller coaster so far. So let me explain to you what's going on! ;) I hope it
can be inspirational to you so stay strong!
To start off, I've been fighting depression and
anxiety. I felt like the world was crumbling on top of me, I don't even know
what to do with myself. All I felt was too much darkness and emptiness. The
cause to my depression was school and work. During school, I wasn't doing so
well, because I kept failing my exams. It was just another flashback of when I
failing during my first year of college. I used to be that optimistic person
but then reality smacked me so hard in the face. Honestly, it was the worse feeling
I had ever felt. I worked super hard but in the end it was all worthless
efforts. I've started feeling depressed since 2012. I remember used to feel sad
and angry all the time and I used to take it out on my friends, especially guy
friends. Sorry TM and LR for putting up with my angry self. I blamed myself for
being the most stupid and worthless person. My mind was not in the right
mindset, all I thought was death. I wanted to end my life because I felt the
universe hated my guts. I didn't deserve anyone's kindness or friendship. When
I wanted to end my life, I was too much of a coward hurt my own body. However,
I only had thoughts full of possible deaths such as getting run over by a car
or bus. Why I selfishly thought about this was because my family was not
financially stable because they waste so much money on for my useless effort in
school. I kept blaming myself, "Why are you so stupid? Why can't you pass
a simple exam like other people?” All these words keep circling in my head
non-stop. I hated myself for existing.
I am usually quiet with my feelings
because I dislike expressing it or talking about it in person. I know I have
friends I can count on but I really don't want to bother them with these
negative feelings. I always bottle up my emotion and cry myself to sleep every
night wishing I would never wake up. For work, I really need to find myself
another job because it's emotionally draining. I deal with some rude customers
who are disgust with me for being Asian. I'm sorry for my existence but I'm
there to do my job so please leave me alone. The feeling of unwanted is the
worst, I felt like crap. My parents told me to be strong but I'm a weak person.
I'm a crybaby and I hate it. My battle with depression is still going on but
it's getting better thanks to those who send me words of encouragement.
I want to thank my best cousin/friend PB for always listening to my horrible story and understanding. Thank you JN for making feel better with your sweet words. TM, thank you for making realize that life is precious and important. LD, thank you for telling me to stay strong and not give up. Thank you VK for sending me good vibes and telling me that this isn't the end of the world. Last, I want to thank my family for always being there for me.
There is one person I would like to thank for being my inspiration and light. The person is Kim Seokjin. Jin is my ultimate bias from BTS. I really admire him for being a genuine and dorky person. Whenever I feel sad or depress, I would read his Fan Cafe posts and tweets on Twitter. Every time I read his posts, it makes me happy and glad to live another day because he gives me energy. The reason why Jin is my bias because he is one of the members that usually is slept on. For instance, he's rarely the most focused because he's not good at dancing or singing. Jin is my inspiration because I'm the same with my abilities. Whenever I see him work hard, it makes me want to do my best to improve in school. Jin works super hard to improve his vocal and dancing skills, which is very admirable. He also goes to school and work. From my point of view, it's not easy being an idol and attending university. He is truly an angel sent from above. I love him for eating so well and not giving any fucks about how much he eats. I love the fact he enjoys cooking and taking care of his 6 members. I love him for his awkward and dorky-self. Jin loves anime, playing video games, and cracking dad jokes. He has the the qualifications to be my Mr. Right. I am glad I don't have to waste my time on unrequited crush or love. Admiring Jin is enough for me because he is my ideal type. I hope to meet someone who has similar characteristics like him.
BTS is my life and everything. Ever since debut, no one believed in them. They were looked down and full of doubts. Until this year, they've one Artist of the Year and they truly deserve it! I've been with this group since their debut in 2013. I swear to god, it was such an emotional day for me. Honestly, this group is so real to me unlike the other groups I followed in the past. They are very open about their emotions and sincere about their feelings. BTS is well-known for their tendency not to shy away from taboo or unusual topics such as depression in songs and in real life. The group's rapper, Suga, at one point actually revealed his personal battle with depression and social phobias in his song titled, "The Last". I wish nothing but good health and happiness!
BTS crying gives me the feels! (T-T)
They are precious and full of life. I love them.
The good news I want to tell you, I PASSED my classes! I never expected such good grades this semester. After feeling depressed and stressed, I ended up not getting kicked out of school and I don't have to petition for this semester. Thank god! The feeling was so unreal that I had to keep checking my grades 100 times. :P I was so happy that I ended up tearing up because it was so unexpected. :'D Thank you for those who've been sending good vibes and rooting for me. I made it everyone! I will try my best and hardest for next semester! Kay-Bee fighting!
So in the end, my life was so unpredictable. I never expected such good news and it felt great. For once I felt relaxed and at east for accomplishing so much this semester. It sure wasn't easy but I was able to see a small light it in my big tunnel of darkness. I will continue to fight my depression and anxiety until it gets better. Being surrounded by positive people, I'm sure I will overcome these obstacles.
Whelp that's it for my rant about my personal life! Hope it gives you some encouragement to not give up on life and work harder! Until next time!
Kay-Bee Deshita! ;D
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