Hey wassup, it's Kay-Bee!
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swtkaybee
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Posted by
swtkaybee
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Since I don't want to bother anyone about my issues in life. I am going to just blog it here because it is the only place I can vent my anger.
To start off, I don't know how long I am going to keep being so angry at irrelevant people. I just can't stand it! I am at the point where I want to regret making this much of friends. It bugs the hell out of me, because whatever I do for them, I am not appreciated. From now on I am going to stop associating with people. It feels so much better when I am by myself. I have no one. I never asked anyone for help, whether it was family or friends. I am sick of receiving disappointments from people I care about. You know what? I am just going to stop caring from now. I am DONE. There is no way I will be happy at this rate if I keep this going on. Imma just keep my fake smile to show people I am alright but I am not. I fucking hate everything. I also don't care if I am sending negative vibes to anyone. Suck it!
The guy I confessed to was my crush and I realized how stupid I was to like him in the first place. I shouldn't have. He is a worthless human being. Why did I do that to myself? I wanted to stay as friends because I fucking don't like him as a crush anymore. He is level is beneath me because he is a jerk. This Wednesday he sent me a text saying I'm on my own because he wants to live as a hermit. First I thought we were friends because on Monday he said he wanted to help me get in shape so I can fit in my maid of honor dress and play against my bro's gf in tennis. But no he said that shit and I hope he realized he should not flatter himself that I liked him. Cuz I ain't about that being in a relationship with stupid people status. I told myself that I don't need him or anyone. My standards in men are high and I am going to keep it that way because ONE, I hate stupid lying men, TWO, men who are anti-social, THREE, men who have an ugly face, FOUR, I am not attracted to Whites, Hispanics, and Blacks. You have to have a good reputation for me to like you, if you are pathetic then you are more likely not my type. If you're Asian, then you be best look good and get my level cuz I ain't about that joking around shit. This is why I am sticking to loving my Korean pop men, I've seen soo many great qualities of them. That fucken shit head crush of mine thinks they are fake behind camera, but in American it is true but not with Korean men. They actually have many reality shows of them as pre-debut and hidden cams. Also if people think I am a lesbian...I am NOT. Why? I FUCKEN HATE GIRLS. I CAN'T STAND BEING AROUND THEM. FOR GOD SAKES, IF I CAN BARELY HANDLE MYSELF WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN HANDLE STUPID GIRLS???? For guys, I am going to stop making guy friends since all of them hate me and don't want to talk to me anymore. There is no point to bother them because all I do is complain. I admit, I am the worse person that anyone can be around with. Plus I have the worst luck with men, I am not going to get in a relationship because I've seen too much complications. I AM DONE WITH DEALING WITH FUCKING LITTLE BOYS WHO ARE A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME. What I fucking need is a MAN. I don't need a man's help in anything because I am capable of doing things myself. My parents never helped me with anything. For example when I rode my bike and fell, no picked me up, even though it hurts like a bitch I picked my own self up. I don't believe in that prince charming shit because I know it will never happen to me.
Also my parents always favorites my little brother. Why? They fucking bought him a brand new car and they let him do anything he wants and don't have to get on his ass. I guess they only favors boys instead of girls because I am the slave in this family. My little brother don't have to do shit in this household. I fucking clean his bathroom, clean the dishes he used, and take out the trash. I don't get it. Maybe I shouldn't have been in a man instead. I fucking hate life. Just want to forget everything!!! I want to hit myself with a bat and knock all the useless memories out of my head, I want to forget everyone.
Kay-Bee
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swtkaybee
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Friends...Family..... I don't even know anymore.
I don't know where to start. At this point, I GIVE UP. I am tired of being around people. I just want to shut myself and disappear. I am just gonna let everyone live their life because I have no right to interfere. Why do I care so fucking much? I am fucking stupid that's why. I hate myself. I hate my life. Why did I have to be born to this pathetic life? I was not respected from the start by my family. I am not the brightest but why am I trying hard? I don't know, I am trying ways to escape from this pathetic place. Sides no one cares what happens to me. Why I think that? That's because everyone has that special someone to care. I am nobody. I hate myself for being so weak. If I had a wish, I want to get rid of my memories and erase myself from everyone. I am a burden to every people I talked to. All I want to do is be myself for eternity. I HATE EVERYTHING about myself. No one likes to be around a fucking fat ugly angry bitch like me. Imma just vent all my anger here since no one can understand nor don't want to hear it. I know there are other people who have it worse than me. I will never let go of my grudge because this is who I am and what I have to always with. All I want to do is drown myself with music and not listen to the world without a fucking care.
Childhood:
To be honest, I hate talking about my childhood because it was not pleasant. Being the oldest of the family, it meant having a lot of responsibilities. For me, my parents took their anger out on me for no god damn reasons and I was only 4. My own father choked me out of anger but all I did was cried and stayed quiet. I took the punishment which I don't know what I did wrong. At age 6, my mom slit my wrist with a knife and clawed my face with her long nails. I also don't know what I did to make my mother so angry. She told me lie to my kindergarten teacher by telling her I fell off a bike. My kindergarten teacher was worried but I just ignored it because I didn't want my mom to go to jail. How was 6 year old suppose to live without her parents around? My siblings didn't get the same punishment like I did. Why? Because my parents love them soo much. My siblings looks like my parents that's why. I don't look nothing like my parents, so I'm like the black sheep in the house. When my siblings got in trouble, my parents punished me instead. I guess I'm used to it that I just don't say a word because I was scared to get hit again. My parents are the reason why I don't like being touch and I'm sensitive when someone calls my name from behind. Now I've come to think about it, I had such a horrible childhood. My parents would never let me be friends with anyone unless she is the same race or ethnicity. Which is why I only had one friend while growing up. I will never forget the day I fell on barb wire in Laos at the age of 4. My parents were so angry at me that they told me to shut up from crying and stand up. No one helped me up besides me. My knees have been scarred but I will never forget that pain. The scar on my wrist will never disappear. The feeling of being unloved at a young age is terrible.
Teenage:
I've always hated my years in middle school and high school. I was by myself and have been bullied by stupid bitch. I have always ignored and always wish the best. God damn was I hella naive. I should have stand up for myself but no, I was a fucking coward. I've been asked out many times by stupid ass jerks. Why I said no? Because those fucking shit heads would laugh or make a joke out of it. I hated the school I went to. I was never ever proud of being in the same place with full of childish jerks. I was always by myself, I didn't have many friends. I was a nobody in high school. I wanted to graduate and leave that fucking hell hole. If I had to describe high school, it was place where I wasted my time. I spent 6 years liking the guy who never liked me back. Gosh what a waste of effort. I rarely find Mexican guys attractive but my crush was exception because I liked his personality. Which is why I am always sticking to Asians. When I got to my senior year, I found hope, I met an awesome teacher who I owe my life too for saving me from the hell hole and I met good friends.
College in KU:
I went to the college I loved the most. With my naive mind, I didn't know what I was in for the real world. No one told me that 18 hours was not for a fucking freshmen? Well I fucked up at that time. I failed my classes cuz it was overwhelmed so I was sent back to GC......I felt like all the memories I had at KU were just a dream. I had soo much fun there. I didn't think I would go to anime conventions and go to Urbana- Champagne, Illinois with the Asian Club. I felt I was part of something when I was there. I learned I was Asian American and I met people who were like me. Asian American who can't speak our parents native language really well. I met this Asian guy (Panda) who can cook and has the love for anime. Panda helped me from feeling alone. He was different from the guys I've come across and won't ever leave me alone whenever I am alone. I hope to see him again or meet someone like him. Panda was the first guy I had ever hug aside my hate for hugs. I don't hug people that easy but with the way he forced me to hug him by pulling me towards him and putting his arms around me was very charming. I will never forget the feeling of happiness.
College in GC:
I was happy to be close to be near my friends and family but it turns out I became miserable afterwards. I felt unwanted and I felt everyone wanted to avoid me. It's to be expected because everyone hates me. I know I'm weird but I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think I should just stayed away from them because everyone has their own people they love. I cared too much to the point where it makes no fucking sense. I miss the great memories I had with my friends but I don't know anymore. My old crush , I stopped liking him since the day he says weird perverted stuff and liking my friend. I have no feelings after I told him so I'm glad we are friends. Now I lost my bro that I trusted the most. He hates me. Bro, I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable with my angry stories. I won't ever do it again. I am just gonna vent all my stories on my blog. So don't worry I am keeping my shitty stories to myself. I will not get involved with someone else's love affair because I have no right to be protective of them. At this point, I don't care what other people do. I am just gonna let everyone be happy. I want to wish the best for everyone.
Teenage:
I've always hated my years in middle school and high school. I was by myself and have been bullied by stupid bitch. I have always ignored and always wish the best. God damn was I hella naive. I should have stand up for myself but no, I was a fucking coward. I've been asked out many times by stupid ass jerks. Why I said no? Because those fucking shit heads would laugh or make a joke out of it. I hated the school I went to. I was never ever proud of being in the same place with full of childish jerks. I was always by myself, I didn't have many friends. I was a nobody in high school. I wanted to graduate and leave that fucking hell hole. If I had to describe high school, it was place where I wasted my time. I spent 6 years liking the guy who never liked me back. Gosh what a waste of effort. I rarely find Mexican guys attractive but my crush was exception because I liked his personality. Which is why I am always sticking to Asians. When I got to my senior year, I found hope, I met an awesome teacher who I owe my life too for saving me from the hell hole and I met good friends.
College in KU:
I went to the college I loved the most. With my naive mind, I didn't know what I was in for the real world. No one told me that 18 hours was not for a fucking freshmen? Well I fucked up at that time. I failed my classes cuz it was overwhelmed so I was sent back to GC......I felt like all the memories I had at KU were just a dream. I had soo much fun there. I didn't think I would go to anime conventions and go to Urbana- Champagne, Illinois with the Asian Club. I felt I was part of something when I was there. I learned I was Asian American and I met people who were like me. Asian American who can't speak our parents native language really well. I met this Asian guy (Panda) who can cook and has the love for anime. Panda helped me from feeling alone. He was different from the guys I've come across and won't ever leave me alone whenever I am alone. I hope to see him again or meet someone like him. Panda was the first guy I had ever hug aside my hate for hugs. I don't hug people that easy but with the way he forced me to hug him by pulling me towards him and putting his arms around me was very charming. I will never forget the feeling of happiness.
College in GC:
I was happy to be close to be near my friends and family but it turns out I became miserable afterwards. I felt unwanted and I felt everyone wanted to avoid me. It's to be expected because everyone hates me. I know I'm weird but I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think I should just stayed away from them because everyone has their own people they love. I cared too much to the point where it makes no fucking sense. I miss the great memories I had with my friends but I don't know anymore. My old crush , I stopped liking him since the day he says weird perverted stuff and liking my friend. I have no feelings after I told him so I'm glad we are friends. Now I lost my bro that I trusted the most. He hates me. Bro, I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable with my angry stories. I won't ever do it again. I am just gonna vent all my stories on my blog. So don't worry I am keeping my shitty stories to myself. I will not get involved with someone else's love affair because I have no right to be protective of them. At this point, I don't care what other people do. I am just gonna let everyone be happy. I want to wish the best for everyone.
Kay-Bee
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swtkaybee
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Hello there, Kay-Bee here.
Where to start? I don't know how to describe my life right now. There are times when I feel sad, mad, and depress. I forgot what real laughter felt like. :/ I didn't think my life would change this much ever since I felt ignored and hated. I wish I knew I did wrong so I can apologize for my mistake. Everyday I feel so tired and unmotivated. My health wise has been deteriorating that I feel unhealthy everyday. My social life has been cut down. I don't see the people I use to in the past. I am always by myself and have nothing to share with other people because I know they are busy. I don't won't to burden others with my feelings I kept bottled up. I guess this is how feeling depress feels like.
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swtkaybee
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Hello all!
Life, what is it? Please give me a definition of what life is. I am unable to identify mine. I don't understand what the meaning of life is. This saddens me, I am trying to find a way to get through this dreadful mind of mine. Will the people around me help me with my problems? Should I open up to them? I don't know anymore. Whenever I am around people, I feel hatred and jealously. I know I shouldn't be thinking about that, but it keeps haunting me. Another thing that keeps haunting me is listening to other people's opinion, I shouldn't be doing that as well. This world is scary, I feel lost no matter where I go. Should I grow up to an adult already. Ha! Who am I kidding. I am already at that adult age, but down deep inside, I am still a kid at heart. School and work. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth it. I cut down my social life. I have no one to talk to as much anymore. It's me, myself, and I questioning each other what is going on.
I got a taste of heaven. Well I guess you can describe it that way. I went to the college I love, got suspended due to academic probation. I don't understand how I went from a 3.8 GPA student to a 1.22 GPA in college. I never went out partying, I stayed in my dorm studying my ass off. I don't understand. I felt like all the happy times were a dream. I thought it was too good to be true to be having such a great life. Who would have thought I fell hard from the top.
So now I am climbing back up to the top again. This time there is little of social life so all of my life goes to work and school. I hardly see my friends like I use to. I don't have the weekends to go hangout with my friends or family. I use my days to spend it at the library until 10pm doing homework and studying. I feel like this is a ridiculous way to spend life. I have no motivations anymore. My life consist of work, school, and sleepless nights.
Kay-Bee deshita! ;D
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swtkaybee
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Hey there! FINALLY. It's time for me to rant about what had happen in my life so far. (^~^)"
To start off with my love life, (I guess you can call it that) yet I am still single with crushes. :/ So I've liked this guy for about six years now. I tried hard so hard not to fall for him because I didn't want our relationship as friends to end nor cause an awkward atomosphere between us. To be honest, I never thought I would like this guy because I thought he was too quiet and I thought he was a douche when words come out of his mouth. The more I look at him and got to know his personality, he wasn't a bad guy after all. hahaha I would describe his personality as cool, calm, quiet, and mysterious. He is a competitve and athletic guy. I admired him for the competitive side of him. I have known this guy since my elementary years but we never talked to each other cuz I barely know this quiet guy. Then middle school came around, we started talking again. I remember there were a lot of girls who liked him for his looks but I end up liking him when I got to know his personality. He told me he was an anime fan, so we talked about what anime liked. Then later throughout the years in high school, he learn how to play the sport I love. hahaha I am over thinking this again, but it's true I like him for who he is, I didn't judge his appearance, but I find his kindness cute in him. :P I am glad to get know him very well after graduation. He is a really cool guy I admit. Even though we always tell each other we hate each other. :P
Whelp those pictures from Kaichou wa Maidsama basically describes our relationship, hate/love. LOL
Kay-Bee Deshita! ;D
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swtkaybee
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Hello there, Kay-Bee here. Wow it's been ages since I've last been on my blog. I wish I had enough time to blog. :/ Sometimes I wish I could be that same person back in the past where I have no worries and spend all my life on the internet. Reality sucks. I finally hit hell pretty hard. I didn't think it wouldn't make so miserable. I really hate life at the moment. Sometimes I think to myself of why I still exist in this world? I just don't know. I failed my first year of college from the school I love. Then I receive a letter from my recent school that I am on the verge not being able to stay in school. I just don't know what went wrong? Talking to people doesn't help at all. It brings their mood down, I don't want that. So now I have my blog to rely on. I am just fed up with life at the moment. Nothing goes the way I wanted to go. It just turned into dirt and disappears in the wind. I guess I ask too much of it. Yes I know life does suck but I didn't think it sucked this much. I faced reality and this is how much I suffered. No one understands how I felt, and neither do I. I don't know what I want. I am probably jealous of people. Jealousy is a bad thing. Yes I know. Maybe I just want to end my life. Who knows? What is there to live for when you keep failing. I am just a worthless human being. I don't know anymore. I just want to shun myself from this world full of lies. I work so hard at school, yet I don't understand. I am so pathetic, I am just the type of person who doesn't need any sympathy. FUCK love FUCK money FUCK everything that are the cause of my misery. I just want all of these nightmare to end. I don't know what to do anymore. All I want to do is now be locked in my room from reality and not come out. There is nothing left for me to do in this world. I am such an ugly person inside and.out. I don't deserve any happiness from kind people. I feel this is punishment for caring too much. I HATE it. I just want to be alone and wish all my happy memories to just disappear. It will probably end my suffering. Well that's my rant. I guess.
Kay-Bee Deshita
