Kay-Bee's Korner

Kay-Bee

Friends...Family..... I don't even know anymore.

I don't know where to start. At this point, I GIVE UP. I am tired of being around people. I just want to shut myself and disappear. I am just gonna let everyone live their life because I have no right to interfere. Why do I care so fucking much? I am fucking stupid that's why. I hate myself. I hate my life. Why did I have to be born to this pathetic life? I was not respected from the start by my family. I am not the brightest but why am I trying hard? I don't know, I am trying ways to escape from this pathetic place. Sides no one cares what happens to me. Why I think that? That's because everyone has that special someone to care. I am nobody. I hate myself for being so weak. If I had a wish, I want to get rid of my memories and erase myself from everyone. I am a burden to every people I talked to. All I want to do is be myself for eternity. I HATE EVERYTHING about myself. No one likes to be around a fucking fat ugly angry bitch like me. Imma just vent all my anger here since no one can understand nor don't want to hear it. I know there are other people who have it worse than me. I will never let go of my grudge because this is who I am and what I have to always with. All I want to do is drown myself with music and not listen to the world without a fucking care.

Childhood:

To be honest, I hate talking about my childhood because it was not pleasant. Being the oldest of the family, it meant having a lot of responsibilities. For me, my parents took their anger out on me for no god damn reasons and I was only 4. My own father choked me out of anger but all I did was cried and stayed quiet. I took the punishment which I don't know what I did wrong. At age 6, my mom slit my wrist with a knife and clawed my face with her long nails. I also don't know what I did to make my mother so angry. She told me lie to my kindergarten teacher by telling her I fell off a bike. My kindergarten teacher was worried but I just ignored it because I didn't want my mom to go to jail. How was 6 year old suppose to live without her parents around? My siblings didn't get the same punishment like I did. Why? Because my parents love them soo much. My siblings looks like my parents that's why. I don't look nothing like my parents, so I'm like the black sheep in the house. When my siblings got in trouble, my parents punished me instead. I guess I'm used to it that I just don't say a word because I was scared to get hit again. My parents are the reason why I don't like being touch and I'm sensitive when someone calls my name from behind. Now I've come to think about it, I had such a horrible childhood. My parents would never let me be friends with anyone unless she is the same race or ethnicity. Which is why I only had one friend while growing up. I will never forget the day I fell on barb wire in Laos at the age of 4. My parents were so angry at me that they told me to shut up from crying and stand up. No one helped me up besides me. My knees have been scarred but I will never forget that pain. The scar on my wrist will never disappear. The feeling of being unloved at a young age is terrible.

Teenage:
I've always hated my years in middle school and high school. I was by myself and have been bullied by stupid bitch. I have always ignored and always wish the best. God damn was I hella naive. I should have stand up for myself but no, I was a fucking coward. I've been asked out many times by stupid ass jerks. Why I said no? Because those fucking shit heads would laugh or make a joke out of it. I hated the school I went to. I was never ever proud of being in the same place with full of childish jerks. I was always by myself, I didn't have many friends. I was a nobody in high school. I wanted to graduate and leave that fucking hell hole. If I had to describe high school, it was place where I wasted my time. I spent 6 years liking the guy who never liked me back. Gosh what a waste of effort. I rarely find Mexican guys attractive but my crush was exception because I liked his personality. Which is why I am always sticking to Asians. When I got to my senior year, I found hope, I met an awesome teacher who I owe my life too for saving me from the hell hole and I met good friends.

College in KU:
I went to the college I loved the most. With my naive mind, I didn't know what I was in for the real world. No one told me that 18 hours was not for a fucking freshmen? Well I fucked up at that time. I failed my classes cuz it was overwhelmed so I was sent back to GC......I felt like all the memories I had at KU were just a dream. I had soo much fun there. I didn't think I would go to anime conventions and go to Urbana- Champagne, Illinois with the Asian Club. I felt I was part of something when I was there. I learned I was Asian American and I met people who were like me. Asian American who can't speak our parents native language really well. I met this Asian guy (Panda) who can cook and has the love for anime. Panda helped me from feeling alone. He was different from the guys I've come across and won't ever leave me alone whenever I am alone. I hope to see him again or meet someone like him. Panda was the first guy I had ever hug aside my hate for hugs. I don't hug people that easy but with the way he forced me to hug him by pulling me towards him and putting his arms around me was very charming. I will never forget the feeling of happiness.

College in GC:
I was happy to be close to be near my friends and family but it turns out I became miserable afterwards. I felt unwanted and I felt everyone wanted to avoid me. It's to be expected because everyone hates me. I know I'm weird but I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think I should just stayed away from them because everyone has their own people they love. I cared too much to the point where it makes no fucking sense. I miss the great memories I had with my friends but I don't know anymore. My old crush , I stopped liking him since the day he says weird perverted stuff and liking my friend. I have no feelings after I told him so I'm glad we are friends. Now I lost my bro that I trusted the most. He hates me. Bro, I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable with my angry stories. I won't ever do it again. I am just gonna vent all my stories on my blog. So don't worry I am keeping my shitty stories to myself. I will not get involved with someone else's love affair because I have no right to be protective of them. At this point, I don't care what other people do. I am just gonna let everyone be happy. I want to wish the best for everyone.