Hello there, Kay-Bee here.
Where to start? I don't know how to describe my life right now. There are times when I feel sad, mad, and depress. I forgot what real laughter felt like. :/ I didn't think my life would change this much ever since I felt ignored and hated. I wish I knew I did wrong so I can apologize for my mistake. Everyday I feel so tired and unmotivated. My health wise has been deteriorating that I feel unhealthy everyday. My social life has been cut down. I don't see the people I use to in the past. I am always by myself and have nothing to share with other people because I know they are busy. I don't won't to burden others with my feelings I kept bottled up. I guess this is how feeling depress feels like.
First, the guy I had crush on for 6 years had turn out to hate me in the end after he found out I like him. I knew that this was gonna happen because I always have the worse luck with men. I wanted to stay as friends because I know he has no interest in me so it was time to move on after such a long period of time. When I wanted to try to talk to him on campus, he would ignore me and avoid me. To think he say this exact words to my friend. "She makes me mad, seeing her around angers me. I can't stand seeing her and I have no reason to talk to her." After hearing that, I thought I could handle the truth but in the end I cried like a freakin baby. Yea I was stupid to treat him bad last year because I want to hide my feelings. I guess that was a big mistake. I wish what I did to make him hate me so much besides making fun of his skin. I really feel bad but now he don't want to talk to me. We are completely strangers now. To be honest, I wish things can go back to the past but unfortunately it doesn't work that way because everyone should definitely move on. The day I actually saw him in person was when we played tennis with my friend's older brother. All he did was said "Sup" to me and didn't bother to say one word to me like we use to. I felt something odd happen but turns out to be that he truly hates me. After all that thinking, I decided to redeem myself as a more serious and being more cautious with my words. I was naive to treat people that way. I've decided to not care what he does and make all my feelings for him disappear. It is hard but I wish the easiest way to forget about him is lose all the memories I had with him. It hurts a lot but I admit I am a huge wuss.
Second, the friends I became with had gotten worse. I hardly see anyone now and it seems I unwanted among my friends. I was stupid to make a lot of friends. I am always the last to know and I don't get invites because I always work. I see rarely my best friends and my best friend is in college so I hardly see him. Why am I such a weak person? I need to stop but it has only gotten worse. The miserable feelings I kept bottle up has made me more worse. I need help but I can't find my way out. Again, I wish things were like that past. I miss it a lot, but it is time to freakin move on.
I feel like I've become more weak but I hide it with my seriousness. It's unlike me but it's the best way to hide my feelings. My family does not know I feel because I hardly see them nor do I talk to them. They would not understand because our family does not show what compassion is. It's better to stay this way.
Kay-Bee Deshita! ; D
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