Kay-Bee's Korner

The more I dream, will I be destined to find true happiness?

My mind is like a battlefield.  I can't get these voices to get outside of my head. Why am I weak? Why am I worthless? Why do I exist? I HATE everything about myself. I don't deserve to be happy. In my mind there is so much screaming of pain and crying for help. Will there be a day I will become happy and less miserable? Perhaps not.

I wish I can love myself more. I want to stop being miserable. I want to be happy.


Tell me, is everything worth it in the end? Am I adult-ing the right way? Why am the only one carrying all these responsibilities? I'm only 24 and I feel like I'm becoming more miserable than before. I've come to HATE myself even more. I don't understand why my life seems more complicated than other people. The one thing I hate the most is comparing myself with other people's lives. Sometimes in my mind, I wished my life was a mirage. I HATE everything about myself. Why? I am a failure in life, I am too immature, I'm stupid, fat, and ugly. I don't understand why I was put in this planet to deal with such never-ending problem. I have dealt with it since I first started college. I hate to burden the people around me because it's the problem I have to carry alone.


I think society is cruel. Society is pressuring me to graduate and have a successful career. Society wants to me to get married because my age is getting old. Society wants me to stop being fat and ugly. Too bad I can't fulfill what society wants me to do. Happiness is still far away for me because I have to take care of everything. I can't be selfish because everyone's life is more important than mine. Mine is just worthless. I hope to find happiness in the next life because I don't think I will ever find any this lifetime. 


I have no one to depend on I'm all alone taking care of my family's situation. I absolutely hate dealing with complicated government paperwork crap. Who knew that these type of things will drain you brain? Also, my family is not in good financial standing because my dad is the only one working and my mom's disability is paying less. It's really frustrating! I'm the only one working my part-time job in order to provide for my younger sister and I's living expenses. My siblings are jobless so it's understandable for them to just focus on school. In my case, there's no time to waste but to keep working hard. I hate my job so much but I have to bear with it for the money. I am tired of everything. It's exhausting and I would not recommend it to everyone. Every night I come back home from work and question myself. "Will I work at this shitty job for the rest of my life? or Will I work hard to finish school and get the fuck out of this place?"


The inner voices in my head that tells me to give up because I am a failure. It's so hard to fight it because it's so overwhelming. I cry out of frustration every night because I felt like there's nothing I can do at this point. I fucked up a lot. 


My dumbass got dismissed for the fourth time and I'm too afraid to check the result in the next two days. Why do I always doubt myself? I hate having my hopes up, so I have to always prepare for the worst. I absolutely hate this feeling. Sometimes I just want to disappear or just be alone and block everything out of this world. After all this shitty life, I wonder if my dreams will ever come true?  


Kay-Bee

Hey what's up? Kay-Bee here!


Long time no blog! I just wanted to give you an update of my current life. I feel like it has been a roller coaster so far. So let me explain to you what's going on! ;) I hope it can be inspirational to you so stay strong!

Hey wassup, it's Kay-Bee!


It's been two years since I've last updated my personal blog. (^~^)" My apologies! The reason I haven't been active is because I've been busy with life and school. I must admit, growing up into the real world is quite tiring (sometimes). Life is full of responsibilities, now that you've become a young adult. haha I've been feeling drained from work and school. :/ I feel like I've worked too much to the point that I feel tired and unmotivated from life. I know......it sounds unlike me. Although, I must keep fighting my own battles in order to reach my goals. Just like what Grandmother Willow says, "Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one". I totally believe it. Also, I know I've been through so many harsh obstacles to understand the deep meaning of this quote.

Independent

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Since I don't want to bother anyone about my issues in life. I am going to just blog it here because it is the only place I can vent my anger.

To start off, I don't know how long I am going to keep being so angry at irrelevant people. I just can't stand it! I am at the point where I want to regret making this much of friends. It bugs the hell out of me, because whatever I do for them, I am not appreciated. From now on I am going to stop associating with people. It feels so much better when I am by myself. I have no one. I never asked anyone for help, whether it was family or friends. I am sick of receiving disappointments from people I care about. You know what? I am just going to stop caring from now. I am DONE. There is no way I will be happy at this rate if I keep this going on. Imma just keep my fake smile to show people I am alright but I am not. I fucking hate everything. I also don't care if I am sending negative vibes to anyone. Suck it!

The guy I confessed to was my crush and I realized how stupid I was to like him in the first place. I shouldn't have. He is a worthless human being. Why did I do that to myself? I wanted to stay as friends because I fucking don't like him as a crush anymore. He is level is beneath me because he is a jerk. This Wednesday he sent me a text saying I'm on my own because he wants to live as a hermit. First I thought we were friends because on Monday he said he wanted to help me get in shape so I can fit in my maid of honor dress and play against my bro's gf in tennis. But no he said that shit and I hope he realized he should not flatter himself that I liked him. Cuz I ain't about that being in a relationship with stupid people status. I told myself that I don't need him or anyone. My standards in men are high and I am going to keep it that way because ONE, I hate stupid lying men, TWO, men who are anti-social, THREE, men who have an ugly face, FOUR, I am not attracted to Whites, Hispanics, and Blacks. You have to have a good reputation for me to like you, if you are pathetic then you are more likely not my type. If you're Asian, then you be best look good and get my level cuz I ain't about that joking around shit. This is why I am sticking to loving my Korean pop men, I've seen soo many great qualities of them. That fucken shit head crush of mine thinks they are fake behind camera, but in American it is true but not with Korean men. They actually have many reality shows of them as pre-debut and hidden cams. Also if people think I am a lesbian...I am NOT. Why? I FUCKEN HATE GIRLS. I CAN'T STAND BEING AROUND THEM. FOR GOD SAKES, IF I CAN BARELY HANDLE MYSELF WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN HANDLE STUPID GIRLS???? For guys, I am going to stop making guy friends since all of them hate me and don't want to talk to me anymore. There is no point to bother them because all I do is complain. I admit, I am the worse person that anyone can be around with. Plus I have the worst luck with men, I am not going to get in a relationship because I've seen too much complications. I AM DONE WITH DEALING WITH FUCKING LITTLE BOYS WHO ARE A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME. What I fucking need is a MAN. I don't need a man's help in anything because I am capable of doing things myself. My parents never helped me with anything. For example when I rode my bike and fell, no picked me up, even though it hurts like a bitch I picked my own self up. I don't believe in that prince charming shit because I know it will never happen to me.

Also my parents always favorites my little brother. Why? They fucking bought him a brand new car and they let him do anything he wants and don't have to get on his ass. I guess they only favors boys instead of girls because I am the slave in this family. My little brother don't have to do shit in this household. I fucking clean his bathroom, clean the dishes he used, and take out the trash. I don't get it. Maybe I shouldn't have been in a man instead. I fucking hate life. Just want to forget everything!!! I want to hit myself with a bat and knock all the useless memories out of my head, I want to forget everyone.

Kay-Bee

Friends...Family..... I don't even know anymore.

I don't know where to start. At this point, I GIVE UP. I am tired of being around people. I just want to shut myself and disappear. I am just gonna let everyone live their life because I have no right to interfere. Why do I care so fucking much? I am fucking stupid that's why. I hate myself. I hate my life. Why did I have to be born to this pathetic life? I was not respected from the start by my family. I am not the brightest but why am I trying hard? I don't know, I am trying ways to escape from this pathetic place. Sides no one cares what happens to me. Why I think that? That's because everyone has that special someone to care. I am nobody. I hate myself for being so weak. If I had a wish, I want to get rid of my memories and erase myself from everyone. I am a burden to every people I talked to. All I want to do is be myself for eternity. I HATE EVERYTHING about myself. No one likes to be around a fucking fat ugly angry bitch like me. Imma just vent all my anger here since no one can understand nor don't want to hear it. I know there are other people who have it worse than me. I will never let go of my grudge because this is who I am and what I have to always with. All I want to do is drown myself with music and not listen to the world without a fucking care.


Childhood:
To be honest, I hate talking about my childhood because it was not pleasant. Being the oldest of the family, it meant having a lot of responsibilities. For me, my parents took their anger out on me for no god damn reasons and I was only 4. My own father choked me out of anger but all I did was cried and stayed quiet. I took the punishment which I don't know what I did wrong. At age 6, my mom slit my wrist with a knife and clawed my face with her long nails. I also don't know what I did to make my mother so angry. She told me lie to my kindergarten teacher by telling her I fell off a bike. My kindergarten teacher was worried but I just ignored it because I didn't want my mom to go to jail. How was 6 year old suppose to live without her parents around? My siblings didn't get the same punishment like I did. Why? Because my parents love them soo much. My siblings looks like my parents that's why. I don't look nothing like my parents, so I'm like the black sheep in the house. When my siblings got in trouble, my parents punished me instead. I guess I'm used to it that I just don't say a word because I was scared to get hit again. My parents are the reason why I don't like being touch and I'm sensitive when someone calls my name from behind. Now I've come to think about it, I had such a horrible childhood. My parents would never let me be friends with anyone unless she is the same race or ethnicity. Which is why I only had one friend while growing up. I will never forget the day I fell on barb wire in Laos at the age of 4. My parents were so angry at me that they told me to shut up from crying and stand up. No one helped me up besides me. My knees have been scarred but I will never forget that pain. The scar on my wrist will never disappear. The feeling of being unloved at a young age is terrible.

Teenage:
I've always hated my years in middle school and high school. I was by myself and have been bullied by stupid bitch. I have always ignored and always wish the best. God damn was I hella naive. I should have stand up for myself but no, I was a fucking coward. I've been asked out many times by stupid ass jerks. Why I said no? Because those fucking shit heads would laugh or make a joke out of it. I hated the school I went to. I was never ever proud of being in the same place with full of childish jerks. I was always by myself, I didn't have many friends. I was a nobody in high school. I wanted to graduate and leave that fucking hell hole. If I had to describe high school, it was place where I wasted my time. I spent 6 years liking the guy who never liked me back. Gosh what a waste of effort. I rarely find Mexican guys attractive but my crush was exception because I liked his personality. Which is why I am always sticking to Asians. When I got to my senior year, I found hope, I met an awesome teacher who I owe my life too for saving me from the hell hole and I met good friends.

College in KU:
I went to the college I loved the most. With my naive mind, I didn't know what I was in for the real world. No one told me that 18 hours was not for a fucking freshmen? Well I fucked up at that time. I failed my classes cuz it was overwhelmed so I was sent back to GC......I felt like all the memories I had at KU were just a dream. I had soo much fun there. I didn't think I would go to anime conventions and go to Urbana- Champagne, Illinois with the Asian Club. I felt I was part of something when I was there. I learned I was Asian American and I met people who were like me. Asian American who can't speak our parents native language really well. I met this Asian guy (Panda) who can cook and has the love for anime. Panda helped me from feeling alone. He was different from the guys I've come across and won't ever leave me alone whenever I am alone. I hope to see him again or meet someone like him. Panda was the first guy I had ever hug aside my hate for hugs. I don't hug people that easy but with the way he forced me to hug him by pulling me towards him and putting his arms around me was very charming. I will never forget the feeling of happiness.

College in GC:
I was happy to be close to be near my friends and family but it turns out I became miserable afterwards. I felt unwanted and I felt everyone wanted to avoid me. It's to be expected because everyone hates me. I know I'm weird but I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think I should just stayed away from them because everyone has their own people they love. I cared too much to the point where it makes no fucking sense. I miss the great memories I had with my friends but I don't know anymore. My old crush , I stopped liking him since the day he says weird perverted stuff and liking my friend. I have no feelings after I told him so I'm glad we are friends. Now I lost my bro that I trusted the most. He hates me. Bro, I'm sorry for making you feel uncomfortable with my angry stories. I won't ever do it again. I am just gonna vent all my stories on my blog. So don't worry I am keeping my shitty stories to myself. I will not get involved with someone else's love affair because I have no right to be protective of them. At this point, I don't care what other people do. I am just gonna let everyone be happy. I want to wish the best for everyone.


 Kay-Bee

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This is my personal blog where I rant about my life. I apologize in advance if it's too much to handle while reading.

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I go by the name of Kay-Bee of K-poppers. I love to blog, sing, dance, and eat yummy food!.

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